There are two things I’d like to rip from my personality if it were only possible: judging and jealousy. They are ugly and they make my life oh so small. I know how to stop them in their tracks, but it takes crazy amounts of bravery and love. I’ll show you. (You may need to get your own drill sergeant, but that will make sense later.)
Judging: Or How It Has Ruined My Life
I am a Libra and even though I don’t read or subscribe to astrology those scales have been omnipresent in my life for as long as I could form opinions. The idea that my ideas are right and yours are wrong have flowed through my bloodstream for a long time and they have made me and, sadly, others suffer.
I remember, clearly, my sister in mid panic telling me that it must feel great to be the judge of everyone else’s life. Oh, sister, if I had known the fix then I would have done it. I would have gotten off my pedestal of perfection and made it right, but I didn’t know then and I did judge. My sister was a bulimic with a drug and alcohol problem that I couldn’t figure out how to fix and thought she should just be able to. It isn’t that easy. Life is hard, people, and thinking that you can just think something better is a mistake. I closed up my life to her because her crazy was too much for me – you know, tough love. But it wasn’t love. It was judging and self preservation. And I lost her. My cold, judgmental heart closed up, we stopped talking and then she died.
That’s some huge stuff right there.
What I know is that I may never have learned the lesson of how to stop judging if that had not happened. I also know I didn’t make it happen – there was no plan that I would figure out my shit and my sister had to die to make that occur. They just ran into each other and because I have a stubborn streak sometimes it takes something huge to shake me off my pedestals.
What I Know About Judging
I know that when I judge someone else my eyebrows start to knit together, my mouth goes into a tight line and I feel a tightness in my heart. It is a cold, hard feeling. It doesn’t make me feel better – it makes me feel hard and tight.
That feeling isn’t a good feeling and the moment I feel my face contract I know that I need to push love into my heart fast and furious. I have to yell at myself to stop the contraction and love. It’s like I have a crazy drill sergeant of love in my mind that reminds me when I am closing up and to open all the flood gates of love if I want to counteract that immediately.
Love. Or empathy, kindness, care, understanding – whatever you want to call it. Those are the antidotes to judging. The only antidotes really. Do you fear black people? Get to know some. Do poor people perplex you? Do the SNAP challenge and see what it’s like to eat on $4.00 a day. Do you think the chronically unemployed are just lazy? Go work with them to find some sense of success. Seriously. Knowing more makes you less of an asshole. And if you can’t do any of that because you are already maxed out in your own life just love. Get your own drill sergeant in your head to yell at you to love instead of shutting down.
Ok. If that didn’t all freak you out let’s talk about jealousy.
Jealousy Ruins Way To Much of My Hours
This is the other big J word that I wish I could rip out of my soul. It makes me crazy upset over ridiculous stuff and makes my world small and tight. First I feel this in my face, too. I feel my cheeks tighten, my eyes narrow and head get harder. Literally. It is an ugly face. (Opposed to my love face where my eyes widen and brighten and my mouth has a smile and I am relaxed – that face is amazing and beautiful.)
Who am I jealous of? Let’s list the recents: Cheryl Strayed, Elizabeth Gilbert, Kathleen Shannon, Glennon Doyle Melton, and Oprah (yes, Oprah). This is so embarrassing. Why am I jealous? Because they are doing what I want to do and they are doing it all so well. It makes me feel like I can’t ever join that club and that my work isn’t as good because I haven’t reached that level of success. Except for Oprah who is a freaking goddess and deserves everything she has ever worked so hard for the rest of them feel somewhat attainable and that makes it hurt even more. (I didn’t say this wasn’t crazy pants.)
Who else? Oh gosh. More embarrassing is being jealous of friends like Paige Ray and her amazing art, Lela Davidson and her amazing career, all the Stephanie’s in my world for their total success at everything, Sarah Martin Hood for her amazing storytelling skills… it’s embarrassing. I had to finally STOP looking at people I LOVE (really – I love them) online because their constant shiny selves made me feel like crap.
I know. I’m a grown woman and I shouldn’t feel that way.
Here’s the thing though. I may be a grown woman, but it wasn’t until the god damned internet invented social media that I had to see them every single day post amazing things about their lives. I could just live mine in happy harmony with my little life and think I was plugging away well. Damn, internet.
What I Know About Jealousy
Seriously. Have we developed the skills needed to not feel jealous? I have only TWO answers to this and they aren’t easy. There is a third bonus one that is just as hard. Hey, who said life was easy (not me and if you know who did we should hunt them down and stare hard at them with all of our RBF.)
ONE: Compliment them and every other living person in your sphere. EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T FEEL IT. I know. It’s faking, but I swear to you that if you can open up your closed heart long enough to give a high five emoji you can make it. It doesn’t have to be gushing, but it does have to happen and it has to happen ALL THE TIME. It is the antidote to jealousy. You will eventually see that there are so many good things happening that YOU too will get them back to you. It makes your heart BIGGER not smaller and that is what we are here for – to grow big hearts.
TWO: Stop looking. Seriously. If you are in pain and it hurts to see all of their shiny stuff online all the time – just stop looking for a while. It’s ok. They aren’t going to notice at all. You can take a little room to breathe and when you feel stronger and less green with envy you can add them back to your feeds.
BONUS: Do your own work. Seriously. You aren’t here to look out at the world. You are here to do your own great things. Put your head down and write your own words, take your own photos, be with your own family, decorate your own house… whatever it is… do you own damn thing. This is hard when you are looking out and feeling like shit. It feels hopeless, but if you can just look down and start moving you will feel better.
Jealousy and Judging are my demons. I may not drink, smoke or do drugs but lord knows that I have my own shit to deal with and it isn’t pretty. I doubt I’m the only one, but there isn’t some 12 Step Program for us. We have to do this work ourselves, but maybe if we start admitting that it is hard to each other we can get on the right path. In the meantime, find your inner drill sergeant and enlist him to yell at you to love – love is really the only answer to any of it.
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