I get a lot of questions about why I pursue so many different things outside of my work. I’m usually kind of stumped for an answer and want to share that it wasn’t always that way. I used to just work. I’m kind of a recovering workaholic. I found value, acceptance and joy in work. I was worth something and so I just did that all the time. I totally get the 1950’s dad stereotype where he goes off to work and doesn’t really want to engage at home because home is messy. Home has feelings. Home has expectations that I’m not sure I can meet. But work, well, work is magic because I excel at work.
Workaholic from the Beginning
When my daughter was little, at about 4, we moved from Southern California to San Francisco and I worked for a large engineering firm. I worked 60 to 80 hours a week. I went in at 6:30 (before she got up) and came home late. My husband was a stay at home dad before that was a normal/cool thing. I was the breadwinner and I was winning at work. I worked Easter, Christmas Eve, all the days and nights on projects and proposals. I was able to sustain that for four years. I had no hobbies, very few friends, and I spent every other moment with my daughter and darling. It was lonely and not very affirming.
A Year Off
We then took a year off and did family things. I fully absorbed myself in family. It was great, but we had to go back to the real world.
Back to the Grind (My Favorite Place)
We went back to San Francisco and I did the same thing with a different company. Except this time I was managing the creative department and the stakes were higher. Not only did I manage, but I was a working manager with my own client load at a travel marketing company. Million dollar budgets, travel to exotic places, and late hours. Nothing had changed. As soon as we went back into the corporate system I gave my everything to my job. I was good at it and it was a language I understood. Being at home had all kinds of pitfalls. There were relationship issues, things to volunteer for that seemed mind numbingly boring, and very little validation that I could do it well.
Moving to a Small Town Didn’t Help
After 9/11 we jumped into the live small movement (that we didn’t know was happening – more about that sometime) and moved to a small town. I brought one client with me, jumped into multiple roles at various organizations and worked and worked. I also tried to be a good mom, but I know I worked more than other moms. Guilt, anyone?
A Nudge from A Friend
Four years ago a board member, at the organization I now lead, reminded me that I was part time. Part time. What did that mean? It meant that I didn’t have to work 60 hours. It meant that I could relax into my life a little bit. It meant that I could try to find a new way of being. It was like a wake up call that I didn’t know I needed.
It took me several years to try new things – to be a beginner. To make room in my life for new people, new hobbies, new projects that weren’t work related. Now I take time to pursue my life in a way that I never thought was possible. I probably do it with the same crazy gusto that I bring to work, but I am finding value in myself without having the outside validation that work brings – kind a huge hurdle.
I’m 46 and I don’t have regrets about how I’ve done it. I love a challenge. I’m scrappy. I love working. I give my whole self to projects and ideas and I like that about myself. What I do wish is that I had that hint from someone earlier on that there is a whole landscape to be explored and I can find my happy place in it without the outside world telling me I’m a good girl. I might not of listened – it’s possible that I was at the right place at the right time – but maybe I would have. It’s too late to look backward – I have a whole lot of things I want to experience and try! This is 46 and what a recovering workaholic looks like.
The post I’m Jackie and I’m a Recovering Workaholic appeared first on Jacqueline Wolven.