To listen – Perhaps the greatest gift we can give. Starting with a little quite might help. I know that many of you either have children still at home or grandchildren, but even with kiddos there is something about it being pitch black at 5:30PM that allows for a little quietude. I relish the darker months just for that. The quiet of the morning and the evening to just be with my own thoughts. It is in those moments that I feel called to listen more closely during the rest of my day – to learn the art of listening.
This post is part of my effort to kick out the year with all the joy I can. You can read all of the other posts here.
Adding Quiet to Learn to Listen to Myself
A few years ago I participated with a group online of crazy amazing Christians to go through the book “7” by Jen Hatmaker. These lovely people allowed me, an atheist, to participate along with them. Each month we tackled one of the chapters and tried to follow it in our lives. One of the months was to give up distractions or media or something and I decided that I would turn the radio off in my car. Now, I’m an NPR lover through and through. It plays in my car every trip I take. Turning it off seemed almost sacrilegious but the chapter said to do it, so I did.
Wow, blessed silence. I could hear my own thoughts. I could be quiet with myself. At first it was disconcerting, but after a while it became my preference. Instead of filling myself up with whatever news story or celebrity drama (yes, even NPR covers some of that – I’m looking at you Fresh Air) I could just learn to be with myself and pay attention to driving. It was kind of a revelation.
Now I drive mostly in silence. It’s a reprieve from all the constant noise in the world and I am grateful for the chance to learn to listen to my own thoughts for a while.
Gathering Myself to Listen to You
For years I wasn’t really listening to you or anyone. I was too busy trying to formulate my own response to you and I was never really hearing what you were saying. I’m embarrassed by this now, but it’s true. Listening wasn’t a skill rewarded in the Wolven home and I took that out into the world. I had to learn for myself that listening – really listening to someone – is a gift that you give the person and yourself. I don’t always succeed. Sometimes I’m too lost in my own stuff to listen properly but, often, I can gather myself to really listen. It’s my goal all of the time, but I’m happy when it happens at least some of the time.
One trick I use is to focus on one breath and literally tell myself to listen. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it helps tremendously.
Listening to one another might be the greatest gift I give. #SuckIt2016
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If I’m feeling really out of sorts I will do the Find Five exercise – this helps in meetings when I’m just having a hard time focusing or am getting to caught up in my own thoughts.
Find Five to Focus
- Find 5 Things You See: you just observe five things right in front of you and name these silently to yourself.
- Find 4 Things You Hear: listen to the sounds around you and name these silently to yourself.
- Find 3 Things that You are Touching: this can be the fabric of your jeans, the pen you are holding, the mug in your hand and you just name these silently to yourself.
- Find 2 Things that You Smell: this can be the coffee in your cup and the shampoo you used yesterday or your coworkers bacon sandwich (baaacoooonnn) and name these silently to yourself.
- Find 1 Thing that You Taste: this can be your toothpaste, the yummy latte in your cup or the burrito that you ate for lunch – just silently say what it is.
This shouldn’t take a ton of time, like a minute. You lapsed out of the meeting for a second, but your focus should improve with this little exercise which will allow you to listen more fully.
People Want to be Heard
People really do want to be heard. Everyone does. I think that part of the bad behavior online (don’t read the comments anywhere online) is that people don’t feel heard. And they aren’t. People aren’t listening. We can do better. We can learn the skill to really listen and this season, the one of joy and love, is a great time to commit to really listening with your whole self. That kind of gift is priceless and you have the power to give it all day.
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