My call is to wake up. That is the reason that I’ve been meditating for over 25 years. To wake up and see the world just as it is. Not to fear the world. Not to make it worse than it is by projecting stories onto it. Not to pretend it is all fairy dust and light. Just be with where I am right now. That is a big calling when all I really want to do is run away and pretend it will all get better someday. I can’t though. I have to wake up.
Being with the impossible just as it’s happening is what my entire meditation practice involves. Sitting with comfortable and uncomfortable feelings and situations and not bolting. Having done it long enough I know that everything passes and changes. I also know that there is nothing that can happen that will kill me (well except things like speeding cars, health issues… things that actually kill you). Feeling a feeling or experiencing a moment isn’t going to kill you. It can FEEL like it, but that will pass over you like an ocean wave. It may knock you down and you’ll get seaweed in your hair, but you will be ok once the salt rinses from your eyes. It’s just a wave.
One Mississippi…
Now I think about difficult moments like holding your hand over the grill and counting, “one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi…” You stay with the heat of the experience as long as you can. Some days you can withstand a long hard look at what is and others you pull away because the heat just feels too hot.
The longer you can stay with your hand over the grill and not pull away when you are standing in the middle of your experiences the stronger and more balanced you can come. The closer you come to waking up.
I regret all the times I looked away. I looked away when my sister was suffering. I looked away when both of my parents were dying. I’ve looked away countless times when I saw friends, family and my community stuck or suffering. I don’t look at accidents on the side of the road. I barely like looking at my checking account. I walked up to my attic space yesterday and I just wanted to run away. I looked away during the 2016 election because it was just too painful to pay attention.
25 years of meditating has taught me that I can’t look away anymore. I have to hold my hand over the heat and wake up to what is happening right in front of me.
What Does It Mean to Wake Up?
Doing small actions to make a difference. Change doesn’t happen overnight. Small, incremental actions make up most change. In order for me to participate and not react I need to do small actions that make a difference. I will be posting these periodically on my Facebook timeline if you need some encouragement or ideas.
Not making up stories. I see a lot (and I’ve had my own moments of fear) fear based crazy going on in the world. It is the pundits dream to tell the stories of what might happen and what might have happened over there. I am not going to buy into it. I will look at what is happening in my community, to me, around my sphere and then create a small action in response to that. The internet is filled with invalid news sources and cray cray. I’m not buying into it.
Sitting in uncomfortable silence. There are going to be moments when someone will disagree with me, do something so horrid that I am aghast, or say something against the core of my values. There are going to be moments when things happen that are so painful that looking scars us a little. Instead of running away or pretending everything is normal I am going to sit with five breaths. If I can sit longer I will, but five breaths will be enough silence to regain my equilibrium and either act with kindness or speak with clarity.
Acting with kindfulness. Right speech. Right Action. Mindfulness. Lovingkindness. These are the bedrock of my meditation practice and will be the bedrock of waking up. In every moment I will gather myself to respond with kindfullness – mindful kindness. Hate doesn’t help anyone. Being mindful of my words and actions allows kindness to live fully – that is kindfulness. It is meditation in action. It is how I’m going to wake up.
If 2016 has done anything I hope it has opened up a moment for empowered women to empower other women to wake up to their lives just as they are and to do the work to make them be how they want them to be. Let’s wake up.
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