I’m edging back to writing my book – looking at the outline I crafted and reading everything I can (probably totally as a distraction) that would help me write a better book and that had me recently reading a lot of Christian books. Which, for those that know me, know that isn’t my wheel house. I am able to, usually, read them without attaching too much to the God that they are dishing out and seeing, instead the goodness they are serving.
Why read them? Because I am looking for a certain kind of narrative that is easily found in the breezy, here I am style that dominates that genre. Women, mostly my age, who have lived a little, who are sharing their lives or an experiment with their lives and seeking to be better humans. That’s my jam, too – without the faith.
My problem with these books is that I am not the intended reader. They are for that small circle of women – mostly white, middle class, that are already Christian – they are playing to their crowd and I think they are missing out. The books could be so much more mainstream if they would drop the bible verse every chapter. Even atheists don’t care if you talk about God, but we aren’t in love with the constant battering over our heads – and for the most part – won’t pick up these books because we don’t have a “god shaped hole” like Anne Lamott thinks we all do.
Sorry, Anne. I was WAY into you. I wanted to stalk you at your church (I lived just across the bay), but I never did and it was because you went from being a very cool writer writing about writing to someone only writing about your God… you lost me along the way when you joined that insular club.
Really. I don’t have a god sized hole.
I have a peace shaped hole, a love shaped hole, or a kindness shaped hole that is only filled when I am peaceful, loving and kind. I used to go looking – just like all the Christian authors – for something to fill that hole with. First it was candy and sweet things (from 4-12 years old), then boys (13 – 21 years old), then work (24 – 40 years old), shopping (ongoing)… whatever to make me feel whole – but none of those things ever worked.
In fact they always made me feel worse, like I wasn’t good enough. Until I stopped and realized that if I filled that hole with my own peace, love and kindness I could feel whole. It was a process and it is still a process, but I’m pretty sure that feeling is exactly the feeling that my Christian friends and authors have – they just decide to fill theirs up with something else – with God or Jesus. We are more similar than we are different and finding that common ground seems important to me. Language and culture can separate us, but if we can find some similarity in experience we can stand next to each other and build a huge support (go ahead, sing Kumbaya… it’s where I see the future).
In case you care – if not skip below: Where did my love shaped hole come from? I was raised by wolves. My mom was sad and depressed and overmedicated. I was a replacement baby for a stillborn that she carried to full term because the doctor was a monster. My parents were older and not prepared to parent for the long haul. They meant well, they really did, but they couldn’t sustain the love that a kid needs 24 hours a day 365 days a year. Instead they were only able to dose it out in fits and starts which is hard on a little kid. My brother and sister tried to make up for it, but they were teenagers and they were struggling with their own big things and their own love sized holes. Family is never perfect and growing up in the 70’s in Southern California was a free for all of Partridge Family and Addams Family mashups where no amount of Xanax, VW Buses or shag carpeting could stick it together. I have some great/tragic/terrible stories right up until I moved my own little family far away to the Ozarks. The damage was done and the work to make it all whole continues and probably will until I die – I get that and for the first time I’m ok with it.
I also get that you going to church makes you feel safe and surrounded by like minded people and getting to know someone like me who isn’t in your stream can seem scary and even risky. Honestly, I don’t want you to be different or believe differently (Ok. A part of me does. I want you to believe in science. A lot.). I just want you to see that we are the same. You can like minimalist buddhists and women who shop for shoes like it’s their job and find something in common – if you try. And that is what I want you to do. I want you to try.
In the meantime, I’ll be over here avoiding writing my book by reading other peoples books – or not. (Maybe it’s time to just write finish my own.)
Curious what I’ve been reading?
Carry On Warrior – Everyone loves a redemption story. I get why people like her, but she still makes me cringe a little. Her new book is about marriage and she’s getting a divorce. I know.. y’all are into her, but I think getting marriage advice should be from folks who made it work and are doing it every goddamned day… (it’s hard, but worth it).
Loving My Actual Life – This was a fun experiment to read about. Not very meaty, but interesting.
Power Over Perfect – I haven’t started this yet… you?
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