Lately, I’ve been wondering if you can have a working relationship with defensive people. Honestly, I don’t think so. I know, doom and gloom in the first paragraph, but I figured beating around with an answer doesn’t help.
Here’s the thing, if someone is reacting defensively to you or your conversation there are two things you need to take into account:
- Are you attacking? Check yourself. Did you open the conversation with something that could be considered hurtful, mean or shaming? Often this happens and we don’t even realize that we have done it. So, check in with how you are approaching this person. People really aren’t into criticism – even when it is to “help them”. If you can’t find a way to approach the person with kindness you have to work that out.
- Realize it is probably them. They feel some kind of shame which you have nothing to do with. Shame is the bastard child of sensitivity where someone, at some time, made them feel like dirt over something that you are talking about. You didn’t do this. It could have been their mom, an old boss, their current lover who drug them into the deep wells of feeling less than. So, it won’t matter what you do. They are in that place and you trigger something in them.
Do you have experience with defensive people?
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I recently had a conversation with someone that went really badly and I left feeling terrible that they had moved directly to being defensive. Instead of trying to analyze it too much I’ve decided that I can only check my own behavior and then realize that it probably comes from them and I’m not hear to fix it.
I’d love to hear your thoughts? Do you have any tips, tricks and tools to dealing with folks who jump to the defensive track?
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